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HOW TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Everyone can have a hard time controlling their emotional reactions sometimes — it’s part of being human. But if it happens often, these regulation tools may help.
You’re going about a typical day when something changes. Suddenly, you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or out of control of your emotions.
Perhaps you’ve heard the usual self-help advice, like “pause and take a breath,” and the not-so-helpful advice like “just control yourself.” Yet somehow, you still feel like your emotions are in the driver’s seat while you’re sitting passenger.
When this happens, it can help to remember your feelings are there for a reason. There is no such thing as a “bad” emotion. If possible, try to find gratitude for your feelings, as they contain valuable information. If you can, try to welcome emotions — all emotions — as your friend.
It is possible to learn how to effectively manage your emotions with some practice, a few therapist-backed strategies, and (possibly) professional support.
When you feel overwhelmed with emotion, it’s not possible to think logically and feel your emotions at the same time due to the fight, flight, or freeze response kicking into high gear.
“Your pulse is likely speeding up, your blood flow to your gut and kidneys slows down, adrenaline starts to surge,” explains Noelle Benach, a licensed clinical professional counselor and psychotherapist in Baltimore.
“When you’re in this state, it’s difficult or impossible to process what other people are saying, let alone be aware of your own thoughts and emotions,” she adds. Basically, you’re in survival mode for a perceived threat.
Breathwork can help. Research from 2018 shows that deep breathing activates something called the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest-and-digest” mode), which allows your body to unwind and restore balance.
When emotions are running high, it may feel difficult to stay present in your body or physical environment. If possible, try to tune into your five senses to stay grounded.
This can include any number of grounding strategies, like splashing cold water on your face, singing or humming, or using a technique called progressive muscle relaxation.
“My favorite exercise is called the 5-4-3-2-1 technique,” says Benach. The goal, she says, is to name:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste.
“Once you go through the exercise, you’ve provided yourself with some distraction from your stressor and allowed your parasympathetic nervous system to kick in,” she explains.
3. Practice accepting your emotions
All too often, we label emotions as “negative” or “bad.” This can create an added layer of shame or guilt when you’re already feeling emotionally charged.
Instead, you might find it helpful to approach your feelings from a place of curiosity rather than judgment. This is called the “observer” mindset, or the state of allowing feelings to ebb and flow, like the tide.
When you notice your emotions arise, it can be useful to say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting? I’m experiencing anger. I allow it to be here, and I will get through this.”
If you’re having a challenging time figuring out exactly what you’re feeling, you may find it helpful to:
- use a feeling chart
- jot down your thoughts in a journal
- record yourself on your smartphone talking things through, then watch it back for clues.
- 4 Mindfulness activities
A 2019 study reported that a daily meditation practice of 13 minutes for 8 weeks helped improve peoples’ mood and emotional regulation, among other benefits.
“Mindfulness has been shown to actually change matter in your brain,” says Peck. “Our brains have neuroplasticity, which means that they can change and grow and adapt depending on how we use them.”
If meditation isn’t your thing, you can also look into yoga, tai chi, gardening, or forest bathing as a resource.
If irrational thoughts are causing your emotional distress, you may find it helpful to challenge them using cognitive reappraisal (changing the narrative).
“Sometimes, I have my clients put their negative or threatening thoughts on trial,” says Benach. “I’ll ask questions like: Is there any evidence that supports this? Are there times when this thought is not true? Will this matter a day/week/month/year from now?”
You don’t have to go through this alone. You may find it helpful to reach out to a therapist for support.
“Therapy is an amazing place to work on this because we cannot see the whole picture when we are activated. We are only seeing a sliver of it,” says Peck. “Your therapist can help you unpack your triggers and work on any unresolved trauma that may be contributing to them.
Letting yourself feel sad doesn’t mean wallowing in self-pity. Choosing sadness brings a variety of benefits. For instance, it means accepting the reality of your current emotions and taking the first step toward processing them.
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